Sábado , diciembre 10 2016
Inicio / Relatos de amor / Recuerdos

Recuerdos

 

                                                                                            

Me piden que hable de amor pero hace tiempo que perdí el sentido de lo que esa palabra significa. Hubo un tiempo en que era el sentido de mi vida, el motor de cada uno de mis pasos y el fin último que perseguía cada día. Encontrar el sentido a esa palabra reflejado en la mirada de una mujer.

Hubo un día en que creí encontrarla. Hace ya una eternidad. Sus rubios cabellos deslizándose en mis dedos, el recuerdo de su aroma, sus caricias y miradas, sus besos…Era ella, creí que era ella. Me entregué a ella con una pasión desmedida, a tumba abierta. Puse mi corazón en sus manos y le dije que lo cuidara, que era suyo. El precio de mi error fue alto.

Me entregué a alguien que decía quererme pero no querer quererme. Me entregué a alguien que amaba cuanto era pero que no lo consideraba suficiente; el amor no es suficiente si la cartera no está llena. Aplastó mi corazón sin miramientos y me cambió por un gesto y un paseo en coche.

Verla a través del cristal, tan cerca y tan lejos. Verla en manos de otro hombre mientras mi vida se convertía en un infierno de noches sin dormir, de lágrimas sin brotar, de ira desmedida que descargaba en cientos de peleas inverosímiles en las que me daba igual el resultado. Mi ira me protegía. Era tal la rabia que nadie parecía poder tocarme. Cada golpe era un hueso roto, cada mirada un hombre asustado, cada grito el deseo de ver correr la sangre. Una venganza frente a la imposibilidad de tenerla conmigo, de volver a abrazarla, de sentir sus caricias y de hacerle el amor.

Fueron pocos los buenos momentos pero su intensidad apagaba cualquier otra luz. Recordar aquella playa en la que el agua cristalina nos acariciaba mientras nadábamos abrazados, perdidos y hermosos en el paraíso del sentimiento. El día perfecto, el momento perfecto; la felicidad. Terminado el día llegó la noche. Una noche apasionada en la que el sexo se convirtió en otra cosa, en la que por primera vez en mi vida me fundí realmente con alguien. Dos almas en una que tan solo se disociaron tras un orgasmo. Yo era feliz, ella estaba aterrada. Esa sensación imposible que tanto había buscado. Era ella pero ella sintió pavor y una vez más se alejó.

La muerte nos unió de nuevo. Un padre enfermo claudicó su vida y ella buscó los brazos de quién siempre estaba allí. No hubo palabras. Sus lágrimas resbalaron por sus mejillas mojando mis labios. No hubo palabras hasta que se marchó. No hubo palabras días después, ni durante semanas hasta que un día llamó de nuevo a mi puerta. Aquel día sonó una canción. Una canción que siempre me la recuerda. Nos entregamos de nuevo y de nuevo no hubo palabras.

Fueron muchos momentos, pocos buenos, muchos malos pero todos trascendentes. Ella fue mi verdadero primer amor y tal vez la pica que acabó con mi inocencia.

El tiempo pasa, las heridas cierran pero siempre quedan cicatrices. La suya quedará siempre dentro de mi pecho. Durante un tiempo ella fue toda mi vida y al marcharse me arrancó una parte.

Siento, padezco, pero todo es diferente. El vacío que ha quedado no podrá llenarse. No hay clavo que saque otro clavo porque ya no hay pared donde clavarlo. Sus cabellos rubios escaparon de mi mano para no volver. La coraza que ella destruyó nunca ha vuelto. Ya no la necesito porque nada puede ya dañarme. ¿Puedo querer? Sin duda puedo, pero ya no sé lo que es amar y tampoco me importa demasiado, supongo que a eso le llaman madurar pero creo que en cierto modo es morir un poco.

Hace años ya que no la veo. Perdí el contacto y no lo he buscado pero el mundo es pequeño y siempre he terminado sabiendo de ella. Dicen que ha cambiado, que es estable y fiel. Yo suelo bromear diciendo que conozco a mujeres salvajes a las que domo para que se vayan con hombres sencillos. Me río pero no me hace gracia. Dicen que está embarazada, que va a ser madre y me recuerda los días en que hablábamos sobre ello, sobre lo guapos que serían nuestros hijos. No siento tristeza, ni rabia, ni dolor y me jode no sentir porque me recuerda lo vacío que me he quedado. Ya no me importa y querría que me importara porque de ser así tendría la certeza de que algún día podría volver a sentir lo mismo por otra mujer pero ya no hay nada. Tal vez el corazón siga en sus manos, tal vez se haya secado al haberlo olvidado en cualquier rincón o tal vez simplemente malentendí mi camino y ella fue el punto de inflexión que determinó el inicio de mi nuevo rumbo pero siempre me preguntaré que habría pasado si el amor hubiera sido suficiente, si nos hubiéramos encontrado ahora que somos adultos y hemos encontrado cierta serenidad, si pudiera volver atrás y pudiera anticipar su temores…

La vida sigue, mi camino también. Su rostro se va difuminando como un viejo retrato en el agua. Ya no recuerdo su olor pero cada cierto tiempo una canción suena y recuerdo la noche en la que fuimos uno, la playa que durante un día fue solo nuestra y los silencios que lo decían todo y no puedo evitar dejarme llevar…

 ” Recuerdos” de Chema Guevara .

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  78. I have asked elsewhere so far with no reply… is there any real reason why the Redshirts keep frontally assaulting the Democrat Party and Abhisit, who are down for fighting to the last drop of blood of the last provincial Thai, rather than assaulting some of the other Party bosses in the military engendered coalition… dividing and conquering as is so often said?

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